Thursday, August 20, 2009

Now this shit is FUNNY!!!!

Usually I'm the receiver of the worst email I was pleasantly surprised...

Random Thoughts....I don't know the author...but he is brilliant....

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

17. Was learning cursive really necessary?

18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

21. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

22. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

31. Bad decisions make good stories

32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

33. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

34. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

35. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

36. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

37. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

38. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

39. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

41. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

42. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

43. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

44. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

45. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

46. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

47. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

48. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

49. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

50. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

51. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

52. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

53. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

54. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?

55. It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

56. I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

57. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

58. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

59. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

It's not funny you poon!

I just received one of those ridiculous "girls, we're all in the same boat with our fat thighs, love of chocolate and shoes, my boss and co-workers are inconsiderate nazis, let's embrace and flaunt our ability to be a bitch, all men are fat, lazy and not as smart as women " desperate attempt to be a joke (but it's not even remotely funny) emails.

For your reference I have copied that crap email below in the off chance you have no idea what type of crap I'm talking about...


1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a goddamn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they e ver sh ut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait ... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look deeply into my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of give-a-shit?

I hate these.

Don't email this crap to me. It's not funny...not even when some fuck prints one of these zingers on a t-shirt and you feel compelled to buy/wear it because you can "so relate." Fuck off...if you find any of the above even mildly amusing--I hate you.

Google...Doug Stanhope...that is funny

Here endeth the lesson.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I think I like crap...

So last night I'm home, solo...and I'm flipping through the channels looking for something to entertain me...

The Legend of Billie Jean was on Showtime...remember that one...with Helen Slater, Christian Slater, that guy from Back to School and Christine that nobody can ever remember his name and a young and very odd looking Yeardley Smith...remember? Terrible movie about a broken scooter, a girl with a butch haircut and her groupies fighting for $608 dollars--Fair is fair!!

Terrible flick...yet I got excited that this crap was on...I actually said outloud, by myself "score!"...watched it from start to finish and enjoyed ever sucky second of it. The only thing that doesn't suck about that movie is Pat Benatar's "Invincible"--still kicks a whole lotta ass, as does Pat.

Moving on...I realized that this is not the only sub par "entertainment" that I always feel compelled to watch...

Top Gun, Look Who's Talking, Friends Til the End (Shannon Doherty singing!!! now that's crap), Cocktail (again with the Tom Cruise), Summer School, Footloose, Adventures in Babysitting, Sleeping with the Enemy, The Bedroom Window (Steve Gutenberg...I mean really???)....the list goes on and on...

I don't get it...every one of those films offends intelligence, humor, reality etc etc...but I HAVE TO WATCH THEM!!! There have been instances when two of these gems are on at the same time and I will either flip back and forth or I'll Tivo one to save for later...what the fuck??????

Friday, May 9, 2008

A $9.95 Dirty Pussy

So today I encountered one of my all time pet peeves...

you know when some sort of customer service type person argues with you that you gave them wrong information and they couldn't fathom the possibility that they themselves have made a mistake--sweet Christ I could just spit nails!

I ordered lunch today from a sushi place I frequent a few times a month for lunch...I order the same thing every time...but today, instead of giving me fresh salmon sashimi, they gave me a grilled salmon appetizer...

Not a huge deal...there's a bit of a language barrier there...I can understand how a mistake can occur...however when I informed her my order was incorrect...she got annoyed. Visibly ANNOYED...the bitch sighed and shook her head! What the fuck???

She then proceeded to tell me that I said GRILLED--I didn't...I don't eat cooked smoked, steamed, baked, grilled...ain't eating it...any form of cooked salmon smells and tastes like dirty pussy...I assure you I would NEVER order a $9.95 dirty pussy.

It's so insulting for someone to not accept that a simple mistake was made on their part--it's lunch time, it's busy, they have their hands full, english isn't their first's cool, you made a mistake...this is not huge...but don't fucking tell me that I don't know what the fuck I ordered...I mean really????

This is right up there with when the bitch at the bank had the wrong address printed on my checks, then tried to tell me I gave her the wrong address--seriously, I gave you the wrong address???...I know where the fuck I live.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Attention MySpace Cassanovas

To all you romantics out there that think MySpace, Facebook and the like is a good way to meet the ladies and exercise all your moves...a few words of the wise for ya...

  • If all you got is ass in your friends list....move along...
  • If you have a pic of what you think chicks think is a "hot" car....find its real owner and ask him to run your lame clueless ass over with it...
  • If you have a pic of a dick you're trying to pass off as your own....go fuck yourself with it...
  • and (drum roll) if you have any self respect left for'll move out of your mom's basement, quit working at your local BlockBuster, trade in your Schwinn for some sort of motorized transportation, delete your Yahoo, MySpace, Friendster, AOL, MSN, Hot Naked Chick of the Hour account and venture out of your sad little masturbating reality and look for a female that doesn't want to kick the shit out of you upon sight...

Good luck shitstain.

Creepy horny mother fuckers

Below is a growing collection of creepy fucking people hitting on yours truly and friends through myspace email. Everyone on myspace falls victim to these sad sad attempts sooner or later, so I thought instead of just ignoring and deleting these idiots...I would post their lame shit here for all to point and laugh their names at the can check them out for yourself...

From Matt....he's a guy in high much so that if he posts a pic...someone's gonna steal it....asshole.

I was browsing and I saw your profile and I knew i had to talk to you.. You seem like a really cool girl. You look very cute!! Random Fact About Me: You might find this weird but um.. I like it when a girl farts.. I really don't know why.. LoL.. You look like you would be a cool girl to talk to!!!TTYL! So anyway's what's up???here's my pic.. :D if i put my pics up, they get stolen.. period. :( here i am okay.... lol i just hosted it just s you could look at me now! I am a guy who believes that girls these days are treated like shit. Guys these days are absolutely pathetic in their treatment of girls and I bet you will agree.. TTYL! :D Do you have aim or something that I can im you at?? I'd love to chat with you. I added u as a friend!


I bet Mike's a poet...he made my sister swoon with this....jackass.

can I just tell you how much I would love to lay you down on a bed and slowly slide your legs wide open. kissing and sucking my way up your legs from your knees to your inner thighs. not missing a single inch of your body....then I would love to slowly slide my tounge across your dripping wet pussy. gently pushing deep inside you.............I'll tell you the rest later :P


Jimmy's new in town....too bad I'm not in to serial killers....fuckhole.



Spontaneus? Hey Dave, hows about I smash your face in?...dumbass.

Hey sexy, well I hope you had a good Monday..any plans tonight or can you be somewhat spontaneous?


Rob's a moron...stupid fuck.

Hi there,
How are you? Doing ok or boring, if you are boring and i am boring too and if you like and we can make some plan to evening or tomorrow, if you please reply me back.


David takes the suave approach.....dipshit.

hey whats up i wanna fuck you till i make you bleed!


Kevin is a man of few least he has that going for him....tool.

hello sexy!!!!!!!!!


Hey a live one for ya!...Adam's new in town too!....go fuck yourself.

i'm in dallas for the week and would love to meet a new friend and you seem like a good one!


Ol' DJ Diddles is stealin' my man Mike's material.....jackoff.

do u realize how fuckin hot u are, ur tits, ur ass, ur face ur fuckin perfect... I would put my mouth over ur beautiful pussy and start to hum.. and start to write the abc's on ur clitty, occasionally stopping to nibble on ur button and stickin my toungue in ur steeming cunt, while my left hand moves around on ur tits and my right hand play with ur asshole get my 9 in cock out and fuck u until u can't orgasm any more

-DJ Diddles

DJ Diddles was donated by the fuckin hot and perfect Amy....

Chono can't spell.....word moron.


-Chono Brown

My man Scott was going for the Creepy Hall of Fame with this one....shitstain.

The eyes of a cat

Cornered, you sit, eyes purring.
Im trapped. Trapped in time, your time; stunned.
Sucking in air, i taste your scent on my lips.
The scent of a woman; scent of passion; of lust.
Blood thrashes through me.
Flashing through tight veins, thundering in my ears.
Banging my body hard, banging my body fast.

On closing my eyes, you wrap your beauty around me.
Drawing me deep within you.
I acquiesce.
I belong to you.
I am yours.

A chance Encounter

Your smooth skin wrapped in linen, kissed with satin. Your every pulse caressing me, your feline eyes, eyes so beautiful, eyes that see inside me, eyes I can no longer avoid. There is no escape. I am taken.

In my minds silence, gently, slowly - like a warm summers breeze - my fingers caress your satin covered flower, your scent kissing my fingers, your petals open as I guide my gentle, but firm, fingers slowly and quietly again and again and again, smoothly, gently, slowly hypnotising your eyes, your body, your being, youre mine. Your body is reaching out to be held; to be used, to be loved. Purring eyes roll as my lips taste your scent, and my tongue traces the form of your now wet and swollen petals. My fingers ease the black satin aside. I kiss your bud. You are in bloom as I caress you again and again and again. Waves of energy speed through your body as your breathing quickens. Your hands search for reality, your body, your mind, your soul depart this, our earth. I draw in more of your nectar. My blood flows, my stem hard, I release it from white cotton. Your flower awaits me, as I ease myself inside you. I stop. Still. No movement of muscle. You feel my blood thunder on your petals, swollen and moist. I remain still. We feel. Feel our energy together. you push your tender, aching body towards me, I pull back gently, slowly. You can still feel my blood pulsating, as I feel yours. Our scent is enveloping us, intoxicating us. Both desperate for breath, we draw in love-tainted air as I thrust my being deep within you and stop. Your eyes open. I search inside them. Our lips, moist and swollen. Arms are locked. We are one.

-Scotstoy was another generous donation from Amy's archives...unfortunatly his profile has been deleted....probably banned for creepy lameness.

Ryan's a man of few words...if only he could stop talking completely I wouldn't want to kick the shit out of him....suckass.

can i c ur titties


Ryan was donated by Bridget with the nice titties.

Stephen tried to take the sly approach and make Bridget think she'd already made friends with him...nice try...didn't work asshole.

Hey, what's up for your Friday night? I'm just playing around for a bit and gettin' a little rest, before going out. haha :)


Ooh Barrett's a clever one...see how he said "cum" instead of "come"....he's got the subliminal thing going on....maybe next time he can insert something subtle that doesn't make him look like a complete jackass....fucking derp.

Hey you look sexy as fuck in that nurse outfit.. and you live close to me. Maybe i could cum see you in that dress and those stockings ;)


Another gem from the sexy as fuck Bridget.

Dave here really knows how to sell himself.....looking for the immediate serious relationship, marriage, baggage, and he's not as young as he used to be....all that on top of his sharp writing skills....get in line ladies!

how are u. i am david, new to the net, nice meet u, u are the first person i am talking you.

hope to know u more. i am looking for a serious relationship, that will lead to marriage,

i am not here for games or play, i havre gone through alot, and now i am getting old.

if u are serious and matured pls contact me


Denise is not ready for marriage with a complete South African stranger so she contributed this little jewel.

Hey Ruben....shut the fuck up......idiot.

damn girl i just cant get over how sxy you are. fuck you look so freakin delicious i just wanna eat you *wink* *wink*
mmm.... i could do so much to you


Natalie had the pleasure of Ruben's warm wishes....lucky girl.

Harry here, is a salesman...he's also a piece of shit that needs to be driven out to the country and left for dead.

do u want full body masage plus 60 bucks its totoly free?


Sure Tony....I like to about a game called "Kick in the balls, hot poker up your ass" shit asshole.




Ol' Yummie is everything I want in a man...he's direct and straight to the point...yet he has a creative flare...see how he chose to stack his words....die you creative fuck.








Yummie is still waiting on an answer from Natalie.

Hey Kenny....get back on the boat....creepy fuck.

it true i have trying to communicate with you, you will find it funnying becos this guy i dont know him, it like you the lady of my dream, the queen that capture my heart, the first day we wanted to chat , ma compauter development, since i check your profile,what i find out about really touch my heart, you are a differect are angel,do you know,you smile,eyes,skin,differect from the people i have sorry i didn't tell you about my self. am kenny adegbayibi, male/singel,am a manager of a company,am into infromation techonlogy.i belive in what i do, i put God first in eveything in life bcos is everything in my life and people life with out him we nobody. am caring, nice,smart,loving, take thing easy as it come.i will really want to know you, if you want to get me you can get me in,, do belive you are the lady i want if you give me time to prove my self. well hope to see you soon


Kenny was donated by the lucky dream lady...the queen of heart capturing...Natalie...she gets all the good ones.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Gay Survey

Do you sleep with your socks on or off?off...socks under covers freaks me the fuck out

Do you flip your pillow to the cold side?right on, fuck yeah!

Do you want a small or a big wedding?small...a church, our families, some friends, beer and sushi

What type of girls/guys do you usually go for?one boy in chuck taylor's

Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? I'm already poor and happy...not much more that I want...except a pony!

Are you trusting of new people? I'm learning

What's the most money you would spend on shoes?gay

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? hot's the prettiest!!

Do you have more friends or acquaintances?acquaintances

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?no, but I would do a fun little happy dance

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?just that boy of mine

Ever thrown up in public?out a car window...while it was really can paint with all the colors of the wind

What's on your mind right now?I want to be skinny!

Would you take a bullet for anyone?yep...might even give a few for some

Where would you like to live?Disney World!!!!!

What kind of house would you like?big, cozy with ponies in the backyard

Do you like candy necklaces?YES!

What was the last thing you drank?black iced tea...unsweetened from Starbucks

What are you doing this weekend?it's Cristal's birthday...we're drinkin

What's your favorite kind of soda?Grape or cream

How many times have you eaten sushi?more than I can's my very favoritest

What makes you happy?that boy of mine, sushi, puppies, ponies, Disney World, Buffy, Dwight Yoakam, new tattoos, pink

What are you wearing?some ridiculous looking grey babydoll top with black hearts, jeans and my sneaks

What taste is in your mouth?spearmint

Do you have a bad habit?some folks say I cuss too much...but I consider that part of my charm