Wednesday, May 21, 2008

It's not funny you poon!

I just received one of those ridiculous "girls, we're all in the same boat with our fat thighs, love of chocolate and shoes, my boss and co-workers are inconsiderate nazis, let's embrace and flaunt our ability to be a bitch, all men are fat, lazy and not as smart as women " desperate attempt to be a joke (but it's not even remotely funny) emails.

For your reference I have copied that crap email below in the off chance you have no idea what type of crap I'm talking about...


1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a goddamn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they e ver sh ut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait ... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look deeply into my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of give-a-shit?

I hate these.

Don't email this crap to me. It's not funny...not even when some fuck prints one of these zingers on a t-shirt and you feel compelled to buy/wear it because you can "so relate." Fuck off...if you find any of the above even mildly amusing--I hate you.

Google...Doug Stanhope...that is funny

Here endeth the lesson.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I think I like crap...

So last night I'm home, solo...and I'm flipping through the channels looking for something to entertain me...

The Legend of Billie Jean was on Showtime...remember that one...with Helen Slater, Christian Slater, that guy from Back to School and Christine that nobody can ever remember his name and a young and very odd looking Yeardley Smith...remember? Terrible movie about a broken scooter, a girl with a butch haircut and her groupies fighting for $608 dollars--Fair is fair!!

Terrible flick...yet I got excited that this crap was on...I actually said outloud, by myself "score!"...watched it from start to finish and enjoyed ever sucky second of it. The only thing that doesn't suck about that movie is Pat Benatar's "Invincible"--still kicks a whole lotta ass, as does Pat.

Moving on...I realized that this is not the only sub par "entertainment" that I always feel compelled to watch...

Top Gun, Look Who's Talking, Friends Til the End (Shannon Doherty singing!!! now that's crap), Cocktail (again with the Tom Cruise), Summer School, Footloose, Adventures in Babysitting, Sleeping with the Enemy, The Bedroom Window (Steve Gutenberg...I mean really???)....the list goes on and on...

I don't get it...every one of those films offends intelligence, humor, reality etc etc...but I HAVE TO WATCH THEM!!! There have been instances when two of these gems are on at the same time and I will either flip back and forth or I'll Tivo one to save for later...what the fuck??????

Friday, May 9, 2008

A $9.95 Dirty Pussy

So today I encountered one of my all time pet peeves...

you know when some sort of customer service type person argues with you that you gave them wrong information and they couldn't fathom the possibility that they themselves have made a mistake--sweet Christ I could just spit nails!

I ordered lunch today from a sushi place I frequent a few times a month for lunch...I order the same thing every time...but today, instead of giving me fresh salmon sashimi, they gave me a grilled salmon appetizer...

Not a huge deal...there's a bit of a language barrier there...I can understand how a mistake can occur...however when I informed her my order was incorrect...she got annoyed. Visibly ANNOYED...the bitch sighed and shook her head! What the fuck???

She then proceeded to tell me that I said GRILLED--I didn't...I don't eat cooked smoked, steamed, baked, grilled...ain't eating it...any form of cooked salmon smells and tastes like dirty pussy...I assure you I would NEVER order a $9.95 dirty pussy.

It's so insulting for someone to not accept that a simple mistake was made on their part--it's lunch time, it's busy, they have their hands full, english isn't their first's cool, you made a mistake...this is not huge...but don't fucking tell me that I don't know what the fuck I ordered...I mean really????

This is right up there with when the bitch at the bank had the wrong address printed on my checks, then tried to tell me I gave her the wrong address--seriously, I gave you the wrong address???...I know where the fuck I live.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Attention MySpace Cassanovas

To all you romantics out there that think MySpace, Facebook and the like is a good way to meet the ladies and exercise all your moves...a few words of the wise for ya...

  • If all you got is ass in your friends list....move along...
  • If you have a pic of what you think chicks think is a "hot" car....find its real owner and ask him to run your lame clueless ass over with it...
  • If you have a pic of a dick you're trying to pass off as your own....go fuck yourself with it...
  • and (drum roll) if you have any self respect left for'll move out of your mom's basement, quit working at your local BlockBuster, trade in your Schwinn for some sort of motorized transportation, delete your Yahoo, MySpace, Friendster, AOL, MSN, Hot Naked Chick of the Hour account and venture out of your sad little masturbating reality and look for a female that doesn't want to kick the shit out of you upon sight...

Good luck shitstain.

Creepy horny mother fuckers

Below is a growing collection of creepy fucking people hitting on yours truly and friends through myspace email. Everyone on myspace falls victim to these sad sad attempts sooner or later, so I thought instead of just ignoring and deleting these idiots...I would post their lame shit here for all to point and laugh their names at the can check them out for yourself...

From Matt....he's a guy in high much so that if he posts a pic...someone's gonna steal it....asshole.

I was browsing and I saw your profile and I knew i had to talk to you.. You seem like a really cool girl. You look very cute!! Random Fact About Me: You might find this weird but um.. I like it when a girl farts.. I really don't know why.. LoL.. You look like you would be a cool girl to talk to!!!TTYL! So anyway's what's up???here's my pic.. :D if i put my pics up, they get stolen.. period. :( here i am okay.... lol i just hosted it just s you could look at me now! I am a guy who believes that girls these days are treated like shit. Guys these days are absolutely pathetic in their treatment of girls and I bet you will agree.. TTYL! :D Do you have aim or something that I can im you at?? I'd love to chat with you. I added u as a friend!


I bet Mike's a poet...he made my sister swoon with this....jackass.

can I just tell you how much I would love to lay you down on a bed and slowly slide your legs wide open. kissing and sucking my way up your legs from your knees to your inner thighs. not missing a single inch of your body....then I would love to slowly slide my tounge across your dripping wet pussy. gently pushing deep inside you.............I'll tell you the rest later :P


Jimmy's new in town....too bad I'm not in to serial killers....fuckhole.



Spontaneus? Hey Dave, hows about I smash your face in?...dumbass.

Hey sexy, well I hope you had a good Monday..any plans tonight or can you be somewhat spontaneous?


Rob's a moron...stupid fuck.

Hi there,
How are you? Doing ok or boring, if you are boring and i am boring too and if you like and we can make some plan to evening or tomorrow, if you please reply me back.


David takes the suave approach.....dipshit.

hey whats up i wanna fuck you till i make you bleed!


Kevin is a man of few least he has that going for him....tool.

hello sexy!!!!!!!!!


Hey a live one for ya!...Adam's new in town too!....go fuck yourself.

i'm in dallas for the week and would love to meet a new friend and you seem like a good one!


Ol' DJ Diddles is stealin' my man Mike's material.....jackoff.

do u realize how fuckin hot u are, ur tits, ur ass, ur face ur fuckin perfect... I would put my mouth over ur beautiful pussy and start to hum.. and start to write the abc's on ur clitty, occasionally stopping to nibble on ur button and stickin my toungue in ur steeming cunt, while my left hand moves around on ur tits and my right hand play with ur asshole get my 9 in cock out and fuck u until u can't orgasm any more

-DJ Diddles

DJ Diddles was donated by the fuckin hot and perfect Amy....

Chono can't spell.....word moron.


-Chono Brown

My man Scott was going for the Creepy Hall of Fame with this one....shitstain.

The eyes of a cat

Cornered, you sit, eyes purring.
Im trapped. Trapped in time, your time; stunned.
Sucking in air, i taste your scent on my lips.
The scent of a woman; scent of passion; of lust.
Blood thrashes through me.
Flashing through tight veins, thundering in my ears.
Banging my body hard, banging my body fast.

On closing my eyes, you wrap your beauty around me.
Drawing me deep within you.
I acquiesce.
I belong to you.
I am yours.

A chance Encounter

Your smooth skin wrapped in linen, kissed with satin. Your every pulse caressing me, your feline eyes, eyes so beautiful, eyes that see inside me, eyes I can no longer avoid. There is no escape. I am taken.

In my minds silence, gently, slowly - like a warm summers breeze - my fingers caress your satin covered flower, your scent kissing my fingers, your petals open as I guide my gentle, but firm, fingers slowly and quietly again and again and again, smoothly, gently, slowly hypnotising your eyes, your body, your being, youre mine. Your body is reaching out to be held; to be used, to be loved. Purring eyes roll as my lips taste your scent, and my tongue traces the form of your now wet and swollen petals. My fingers ease the black satin aside. I kiss your bud. You are in bloom as I caress you again and again and again. Waves of energy speed through your body as your breathing quickens. Your hands search for reality, your body, your mind, your soul depart this, our earth. I draw in more of your nectar. My blood flows, my stem hard, I release it from white cotton. Your flower awaits me, as I ease myself inside you. I stop. Still. No movement of muscle. You feel my blood thunder on your petals, swollen and moist. I remain still. We feel. Feel our energy together. you push your tender, aching body towards me, I pull back gently, slowly. You can still feel my blood pulsating, as I feel yours. Our scent is enveloping us, intoxicating us. Both desperate for breath, we draw in love-tainted air as I thrust my being deep within you and stop. Your eyes open. I search inside them. Our lips, moist and swollen. Arms are locked. We are one.

-Scotstoy was another generous donation from Amy's archives...unfortunatly his profile has been deleted....probably banned for creepy lameness.

Ryan's a man of few words...if only he could stop talking completely I wouldn't want to kick the shit out of him....suckass.

can i c ur titties


Ryan was donated by Bridget with the nice titties.

Stephen tried to take the sly approach and make Bridget think she'd already made friends with him...nice try...didn't work asshole.

Hey, what's up for your Friday night? I'm just playing around for a bit and gettin' a little rest, before going out. haha :)


Ooh Barrett's a clever one...see how he said "cum" instead of "come"....he's got the subliminal thing going on....maybe next time he can insert something subtle that doesn't make him look like a complete jackass....fucking derp.

Hey you look sexy as fuck in that nurse outfit.. and you live close to me. Maybe i could cum see you in that dress and those stockings ;)


Another gem from the sexy as fuck Bridget.

Dave here really knows how to sell himself.....looking for the immediate serious relationship, marriage, baggage, and he's not as young as he used to be....all that on top of his sharp writing skills....get in line ladies!

how are u. i am david, new to the net, nice meet u, u are the first person i am talking you.

hope to know u more. i am looking for a serious relationship, that will lead to marriage,

i am not here for games or play, i havre gone through alot, and now i am getting old.

if u are serious and matured pls contact me


Denise is not ready for marriage with a complete South African stranger so she contributed this little jewel.

Hey Ruben....shut the fuck up......idiot.

damn girl i just cant get over how sxy you are. fuck you look so freakin delicious i just wanna eat you *wink* *wink*
mmm.... i could do so much to you


Natalie had the pleasure of Ruben's warm wishes....lucky girl.

Harry here, is a salesman...he's also a piece of shit that needs to be driven out to the country and left for dead.

do u want full body masage plus 60 bucks its totoly free?


Sure Tony....I like to about a game called "Kick in the balls, hot poker up your ass" shit asshole.




Ol' Yummie is everything I want in a man...he's direct and straight to the point...yet he has a creative flare...see how he chose to stack his words....die you creative fuck.








Yummie is still waiting on an answer from Natalie.

Hey Kenny....get back on the boat....creepy fuck.

it true i have trying to communicate with you, you will find it funnying becos this guy i dont know him, it like you the lady of my dream, the queen that capture my heart, the first day we wanted to chat , ma compauter development, since i check your profile,what i find out about really touch my heart, you are a differect are angel,do you know,you smile,eyes,skin,differect from the people i have sorry i didn't tell you about my self. am kenny adegbayibi, male/singel,am a manager of a company,am into infromation techonlogy.i belive in what i do, i put God first in eveything in life bcos is everything in my life and people life with out him we nobody. am caring, nice,smart,loving, take thing easy as it come.i will really want to know you, if you want to get me you can get me in,, do belive you are the lady i want if you give me time to prove my self. well hope to see you soon


Kenny was donated by the lucky dream lady...the queen of heart capturing...Natalie...she gets all the good ones.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Gay Survey

Do you sleep with your socks on or off?off...socks under covers freaks me the fuck out

Do you flip your pillow to the cold side?right on, fuck yeah!

Do you want a small or a big wedding?small...a church, our families, some friends, beer and sushi

What type of girls/guys do you usually go for?one boy in chuck taylor's

Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? I'm already poor and happy...not much more that I want...except a pony!

Are you trusting of new people? I'm learning

What's the most money you would spend on shoes?gay

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? hot's the prettiest!!

Do you have more friends or acquaintances?acquaintances

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?no, but I would do a fun little happy dance

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?just that boy of mine

Ever thrown up in public?out a car window...while it was really can paint with all the colors of the wind

What's on your mind right now?I want to be skinny!

Would you take a bullet for anyone?yep...might even give a few for some

Where would you like to live?Disney World!!!!!

What kind of house would you like?big, cozy with ponies in the backyard

Do you like candy necklaces?YES!

What was the last thing you drank?black iced tea...unsweetened from Starbucks

What are you doing this weekend?it's Cristal's birthday...we're drinkin

What's your favorite kind of soda?Grape or cream

How many times have you eaten sushi?more than I can's my very favoritest

What makes you happy?that boy of mine, sushi, puppies, ponies, Disney World, Buffy, Dwight Yoakam, new tattoos, pink

What are you wearing?some ridiculous looking grey babydoll top with black hearts, jeans and my sneaks

What taste is in your mouth?spearmint

Do you have a bad habit?some folks say I cuss too much...but I consider that part of my charm

For shits and grins...

The game is simple...tell me some weird random shit about get you in the's a few little eccentricities about yours truly...

1. Certain words I don't like saying or hearing...kumquat, nougat nectar, plop, areola, yogurt, broth, perforation, insertion...gawh

2. I get extremely irritated when people do not pronounce words the way I think they should be pronounced...pecan is pronounced pah-cawn...NOT's prah-leen...NOT pray-leen...coo-pawn...NOT Q-pawn...and for fucks sake, it's cair-ah-mel...NOT fucking car-muhl...say it right damn it!

3. I feel a wave fo anxiety whenever I see a school bus or kids waiting at the bus reminds me of school when I was little and how much I hated it

4. The smell of coconut or suntan lotion offends me like no other.

5. I'm paranoid that someone will leave to go to work, the store, wherever and that will be the last time I will ever see them alive....So I have to tell them to "Be careful" before they leave, because if I tell them to "Be careful" then nothing bad will happen to them and I will see them again. So when I tell you to "Be careful"...know that I'm saying "I love you" too. :)

I Rule!

I won this sweet ass giant pony that talks and everything at Dave & Busters...and then I walked past all the little kids with crappier prizes to make them jealous.

Shit that pisses me off..

A work in progress...

-“decorative” toilet brush holders
-corporate speak….”fastrack”…”grow the business”…”happy Friday”…”blocker”…”hot action item” “forward-thinking”
-matching bathroom sets…toothbrush holder, cup, trash can
-geese or duck statues that are dressed according to the holidays
-wood paneling
-people who are ALWAYS cold
-the non-word “sammich”
-the sound a nail clipper makes…gag
-brake tappers
-“girl’s night”
-Kenny Chesney
-fake tan
-suntan oil
-cat breath
-skid marks and hangerons in a public restroom
-couples who call each other “babe”
-broadway shows
-fanny packs
-“play that funky music white boy” by wild cherry
-romantic comedies
-jazz hands
-seashells as bathroom décor
-the color mauve
-tube tops
-tribal tattoos
-the country guy who calls in to radio shows that feels the need to express how funny he thought the last bit was
-the girl that calls in to the Lex & Terry radio show and wants to say (unsolicited) the word “panties” that she’s rehearsed repeatedly before calling in, in hopes to be told she sounds hot saying it
-flip flops
-crystal light
-the assumption that typing in all caps somehow means you’ve raised your voice
-that green m&m and her hooker boots
-bad breath
-Capri pants
-confederate flags…anywhere
-hummers…(the vehicle)
-flats (dress shoes)
-wind chimes
-people who pronounce praline, caramel, pecan and coupon as: “pray-leen” “cahr-muhl” “pee-can” “q-pawn”
-lounge shirts for men
-men’s cologne
-sour candy
-cheap wall décor (metal candle holding wall sconces from target and the like…I actually have one of these…and it pisses me off)
-white wicker anything
-outdoor holiday flag banners
-Thomas Kinkade
-Apple/Mac stickers on cars
-Bluetooth users...go fuck yourself
-restaurants that feature tits and ass as wait staff
-coyote ugly…movie and establishments
-thrift store “fashion”
-sun tanning
-gold chains
-acoustic "rock"
-sorority and fraternity crap
- self-aggrandizing shirts that say “drama queen” “princess” “rockstar” “player” etc etc
-workout or sleep pants that have something retarded across the ass such as “cutie” “hottie” “go bulls” etc etc
-people who have to add “baby” after shit when you ask them a simple geography question…Q-Where did you go on vacation? A-Vegas, Baby!....Q-Where are you from? A-Los Angeles, Baby!
-line dancing
-guys who wear white athletic shoes...when they are not working out
-valentine’s day
-outdoor festivals
-earth day
-dream catchers
-French pedicures…gag
-times new roman font
-brass home fixtures
-power bars
-sporting events
-those hummer limos…..sooooo douchey
-dog parks
-new year’s eve
-new country music
-really pointy toe shoes
-faux animal print anything
-office parties (pizza, holiday, donut meetings etc etc)
-high fives
-young families…mom dad around 26—36 with 2-3 kids all under the age of 7…shopping in Whole Foods or Central Market for their organic diets
-Kid Chow…a children’s lunch delivery service for rich assholes
-new homes with “mud rooms”
-emo and screamo…not really sure there’s a difference here
-people who fart in the grocery store aisle and act like they don’t smell anything
-corporate world pleasantries…”thanks for sending over those yummy goodies…we just want to knock off early and stuff ourselves with treats” gag!
-people who use the words treats and goodies
-feng shui
-those big redneck trucks with the big tires
-Microsoft everything
-the word…pasta
-Angelina jolie
-gynochologists, proctologists and podiatrists…there is just something wrong with these people
-faux leather…like payless shoes
-child beauty pageants and the parents
-mary kay sales people
-rich people in general
-people who call shots…shooters
-people who think tom cruise is hot
-people who own every season of friends on dvd
-Amy Winehouse
-Fans of Amy Winehouse…”oh she’s just so talented!”…really???...I mean really???????
-kiosk salespeople
-carnival patrons
-“my bad”
-“hunks”…big beefy guys that are exotic dancers or used in calendars
-the women who find “hunks” attractive
-magical fairytale weddings
-celebrity news and worship
-greeting card humor
-the word “gentle”…it just sounds dirty
-Willow from Buffy…blech
-the “cool” hot chick…you know the ones that are so cool they fart, burp, pick their nose…you’re not cool…you’re a pig
-the guys that find the “cool” hot chick, cool and hot
-road rage…really…what’s the point
-couple’s who share myspace pages or have their own web site
-dots…those cheap m&m knockoffs that your school cafeteria would try to pass off as real m&ms -white eyeshadow
-any contestant that cries on the bachelor
-slutty Halloween costumes…such as “stripper strawberry shortcake” “hooker Dorothy” “hooker Alice in Wonderland” etc etc
-barbwire tattoo arm bands
-necklaces that feature some sort of animal tooth
-jewelry that has feathers
-southwest décor…ick (howling coyotes, dream catchers, Georgia o’keefe)
-the campbell soup kids
-Comic Strips (Garfield, The Family Circus, Hi & Lois, Sally Forth, Kathy)
-cheap Halloween candy (Bingo, Now & Later, Smarties)
-people singing “Happy Birthday”, especially in a restaurant by the wait staff
-wait staff that don’t leave you the fuck alone….”can I start you off with some appetizers?” …”would you like some more water? about some more water?….would you like some more water?…how is everything?….more water? Did you save room for dessert?, tea? about some more water?”
-wait staff that never leave you the fuck alone during the meal however fall off the face of the earth when you want the fucking check
-people in cars that pause for you to cross the street…HEY…good Samaritan! can drive faster than I can fucking walk so just fucking go instead of making me feel like I have to fucking rush to get out of your god damn way!
-Lucky Charms…those fucking marshmallows are your only saving grace
-those wood puzzles for young children that should come with an advisory that if your fucking kid cant figure out where the 3 fucking blocks go they should be removed from the gene pool now
-“I’m 99.9% sure”
-mechanical pencils
-papa john’s pizza
-myspace glitter tag comments with “sexy” cartoon chicks
-really big, heavily ornate carved wood furniture
-moon, star, sun anything
-getting in the car when it’s a super hot day
-getting in someone else’s car on a super hot day and they immediately close all the doors and dilly dally around before turning on the AC
-when you make a statement “I’m hot”…and they immediately say…”It’s not hot in here”….mother fucker…I’M hot!
-businesses with “clever” names…Hair salon: A Cut Above; Sheer Designs; Headlines; The Crop Shop; Laundromat: This Sud’s For You; Candle Store: Wicks and Sticks: Eye glass store: Accessor-Eyes
-Candle Stores
-Incense...stinky smoky shit
-candles shaped like anything, especially wizards and dragons
-gothic jewelry
-pewter figurines
-lawn ornaments…gnomes, little stone children fishing, etc etc
-water parks
-“dancin’ shoes”
-carrot cake…gag
-when people say a dessert is “too rich”....fuck off you know it’s good
-female radio DJs
-female comedians…we get it…ALL men are pigs and not as smart as women and ALL women will kill for chocolate and shoes
-text messaging…..whips my ass!
-tshirts with cats on them
-stirrup pants
-the email I just got from Old Navy stating “Jellies are back!”
-Women who wear Jellies
-the new wave of no smoking in BARS…what the fuck?!?!?!?!?!
-guys who still wear ponytails….it only worked for The Highlander
-small paperclips
-white people who bring their own "environment friendly" cloth shopping bags...go fuck yourself

....a work in progress....